The Roach
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: Rukia had gotten a pet. The upside was that it was easy to take care of. The downside: It was a cockroach.


**Title: The Pet**

**Genre: Humor**

**Pairing/Characters: Ichigo/Rukia**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Rukia had gotten a pet. The upside was that it was easy to care of. The downside: it was a roach.**

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><p>When Rukia asked for her pick of a litter of dwarf rabbits that were being sold in a box adjacent Hirohyaku supermarket in Kasazaki, Ichigo's automatic response was to say "no."<p>

The petite raven-haired female wasted a substantial amount of time in performing all matter of acts such as petting the bunnies and cooing to them, and though she had persisted in asking him _ad infinitum, _could they please, _please _get one, all he could do was shake his head in finality of his decisiveness. The elderly woman who had bred the dwarf rabbits and made a living peddling had smiled under a face of wrinkles which creased with delicate intricacies around her china blue eyes whilst she gave words of condolence to the distraught female. After that, Rukia had proceeded over the duration of the week to bug Ichigo constantly about getting her a variety of pets, including a stray kitten she had found in an alley.

The only kindness Ichigo had done the mewling scrap of fur was to take it to a humane center where it would either be euthanized_-_he wasn't heartless, but the kitten had managed to chew his socks to pieces, shit and piss in an area secluded to his room, and did things just to spite him over the span of just two days, so he could hope, couldn't he?_-_or put up for adoption. Rukia had resumed her pleading, and with each day that passed, her requests had involved more and more bizarre creatures. When after one week of this and Ichigo kept up against her relentless verbal assault with no results, she resorted to sulking and would glower at him during class. No more was the Rukia who asked him to open her juice box or slapped him around or told him to go get the damned Hollow that conveniently popped up during the most inopportune of moments. From there on forth, she walked solo.

It was one of those days again when the sun scorched down mercilessly upon the asphalt that Rukia found herself ambling down the streets in search of a Hollow that wasn't there.

Renji had vanquished the demonic spirit not but a few minutes ago, and with nothing to go back to but Ichigo's condescending tone and that triumphant sneer of his, she figured she might as well play hooky. But rather than going A.W.O.L, thoughts of blind rage plagued her now that she was unaccompanied by anyone.

He had known how urgently she yearned for a rabbit of her own, and he had been privy to the minor detail that he had had the money to actually purchase one of them. However, he had chosen not to. Just as he had chosen over the course of the week to deny her every other animal she had proposed.

The basis behind this was because Ichigo had been saving his monthly earnings to get Rukia a pedigree rabbit. It hurt to see her so despondent, but he told himself everything would clear up eventually. Nonetheless, Rukia didn't know that; she had originally thought he'd been hoarding his savings like the greedy bastard she supposed he was.

Feeling_-_what was the expression the human's used?_-_down in the dumps, she wandered around for awhile before ending up in the Old Town district of Karakura. Her shoes scuffed against the cement, and she kept her eyes deliberately on the ground as she jumped from one crack in the sidewalk to the other while recalling once how she had seen a group of children doing the same thing, albeit chanting the words "Step on a crack, and you'll break your mother's back." It had taken much convincing from Ichigo before Rukia ceased to dodge the fissures for fear that she _would _break somebody's spinal column. Now, it seemed as much a good past time as any.

In fact, Rukia was so caught up in her game that she didn't observe the woman she was hopping in the direction of. The sign above her store and the advertisements in the windows indicated that she read tarot cards and was a soothsayer of sorts as a profession. Her black hair was cropped short in a pixie cut, her olive complexion and emaciated figure giving one the impression that she would blow away like a tumbleweed by the slightest draft. The sun didn't so much as shine in her path. Her stained t-shirt hung off her shoulders like a coat would a rack, giving it an almost shapeless quality, and every now and then she would reach down and hitch up her slacks over her hips and then lean back up against the window to her store.

A flick of her wrist sent some ash from the tip of her cigarette to the ground, and she took one long drag on the cancer stick before blowing the smoke out as if it was an art form.

The hiss was what caught Rukia's attention. Halting so abruptly she nearly tripped, the Soul Reaper pivoted on her heel to gaze down at the misshapen box at the woman's feet.

"What is that?" she felt compelled to ask.

"This 'ere's meh pet," the woman said, cocking her head downward to the cardboard box, which looked as if it had seen better days and had small holes punched in the top flaps.

"Been trin' ta get rid o' him for a week now," she drawled, and shoveled around in her pockets a moment before withdrawing a palm-sized tin that had previously contained mints. Turning fractionally, she snuffed out her cigarette and put it in the tin before closing the lid back over it and stowing it away where it had come from.

"How much do you want for it?" Rukia inquired tentatively. The woman sniffed.

"Nothin'. He's fer free. I've gotta be on a plane by mornin' to go back to America. Can't take 'im. No one wants him, I'll pro'ably just set 'im free."

"I'll take him!" Rukia burst out without thinking.

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><p>Ichigo was both worried and angry when Rukia neglected to come back to class. He saw now that he should have pursued her when the alarm went off for the Hollow.<p>

Rukia had been so pissed off the past week, he had refrained from approaching her for fear of getting kneed in the nuts. Now, he wasn't so sure complete and total evasion had been such a good idea. Maybe he should have just been honest with her.

After coming home, Ichigo had tossed his things onto his bed and now sat at his desk, brooding. It was about an hour and thirty-two minutes into this self-induced stupor that the female he'd been thinking of burst through the door. Rukia's hair was tousled_-_wind-swept_-_and her cheeks were flushed and sweaty from either having jogged home or from the effects of ordinary exhileration. The fact that she wasn't breathing heavily made the latter seem much more likely.

"I've got a pet!" she squealed. Ichigo's first impulse was to roll his eyes heavenward, when he did a double-take upon noticing there was no carrier, no box, and nothing in her arms.

"An imaginary pet?" he quipped, and decided to change the subject before she launched them into yet another quarrel. "Where have you been?"

Ignoring the preceding question, Rukia shrugged and straightened up to shove her arms out in his general direction, the folds in her button-up flattening out and her pleat skirt shifting around her slender, creamy thighs. Her hands were cupped together, fingers curled to conceal whatever it was that she held. A smile played on her lips, and she moved from one foot to the other in anticipation as Ichigo stepped forward inquisitively. Gradually, slowly, her fingers loosened up to reveal...

"OH MY GOD!" Ichigo screamed, catapulting into the air and landing on his bed in a crumpled, undignified heap.

"What?" Rukia questioned, startled by his response.

"RUKIA, THAT'S A FUCKIN' COCKROACH! THAT'S A BIG FUCKIN' COCKROACH!" he howled.

Sure enough, in Rukia's hand was a cockroach_-_as docile a roach as they come. The roach was reddish-black in color, about 2½ inches long, and had long antennae that moved back and forth in a disturbing fashion. It moved briskly to and fro in her palm and upon being exposed to her companion, it began crawling up along her arm, causing her to yelp in surprise.

"KILL IT!" Ichigo shrieked. Rukia picked up the cockroach before it traveling up her shirt sleet and walked over to Ichigo.

"C'mon, Ichigo. Look at him!" she cried, displaying the roach again with a tone of compassion. The substitute Soul Reaper backed up until he hit the wall, a look of utter disgust on his face. Feeling dissatisfied with her partner and furious that he was being so blatantly revolted by an insect smaller than he was, Rukia marched over to him and placed the cockroach on his knee. Ichigo's reaction was instantaneous.

"GAAAAAH! GET IT OFF! GET IF OFF!" Ichigo screeched, flailing around. "IT COULD HAVE DISEASES!" The roach, jostled by the activity, commenced to crawl up along his pant leg until Ichigo leaped off onto the floor and began twisting about and making shrill noises like a girl. Becoming more frantic, the normally smooth orange-haired teenager flew out of his room, and soon followed were the sounds of him tripping and falling down the stairs. Rukia wandered out into the hall and flinched when she heard Yuzu scream bloody murder. Karin gave a battle cry as she went for the broom, or her soccer ball_-_either were a liable choice. In the end, Ichigo got a few bruises and Isshin agreed that having the roach was a good way to keep his idiot son under control. Unfortunately, only about a day passed before Rukia misplaced the roach. The reason? She accidentally flushed it down the toilet when it got dislodged from her clothing. Rukia hadn't even known it had been on her at the time. Ichigo was the only one who didn't miss it.

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><p><strong>Yet another random plot bunny that seized me just last night. The thought of Ichi's reaction had me burst out laughing. :)<strong>


End file.
